Sanya usually went to sleep early. That night she wasn't feeling well so she was in bed by 9. I was still wide awake so I thought I may as well walk over to Freeburger. I was going through one of my phases, at least that's what Sanya said. I was drawing and sculpting and wondering how a lump of clay or an oil on canvas could generate emotions. I smoked and sculpted and drew, and never went to classes. Yeah, Sanya was right, it was a phase.
So I walked over to Freeburger. It was almost deserted. Went straight to the over-sized books. That's where they kept the art books, the ones filled with color reproductions. I was flipping through a book on Impressionism. A hundred years ago everything happened. Darwin, Freud, Marx, Cezanne, Monet. I was looking at Cezanne's Boy In a Red Vest. The library was very quiet, all the windows were dark. I felt like I was the only one in the place. Suddenly this little slimy guy in a security guard outfit was standing there. Hi, how are ya he said. Hi I answered. His face was frozen in an oily smile and he was extending his hand. When I shook it I felt the fag handshake. That's what people called it - the middle finger folded into the palm. What are you doing tonight? he said. Studying, exams ... I said. See ya around he said as he strolled away, that smile still hanging in the air. I took the book, walked through the library searching for a desk, a little fortress. Couldn't find one so I walked down the stairs and out into the night air. But I had started thinking about other times that guys had done that to me.
I used to hitchhike almost every day. But after a while getting picked up by fags started to bother me. Do you have a girlfriend? they would say. I didn't but after a few times I had learned to say yes. They would paste on a sickly sweet smile the whole time and answer Wherever you're going when I asked where they were heading. Straight guys gave me rides too. Once I got a ride from three black guys smoking up. The car was so thick with smoke you could barely see out the windshield. They were laughing and toking. I passed the joint but when I got out I had a buzz. I liked hitchhiking but people stopped doing it around 1972. Everybody was safer but we were all living in an even more hermetically sealed bubble. Why do people make themselves lonelier than they already are? But I did meet a good friend hitchhiking. His name was Mike.
Mike had graduated from the university a few years earlier and he had read nearly everything that I had. But at 25 he was delivering pizzas. One summer he got me a delivery job at the same place. After work, 2 am or so we would hang out, have a drink or smoke a joint. We were high one night listening to some tapes in his car. He popped one in and, damn if it wasn't my favorite at the time. Flute and Piano. Most guys would have called it faggy but I listened to it every day that summer. I said You like this? ... I love this album. He smiled and looked at me like he knew something about me that I didn't. I wondered about the feeling I had for him at that moment. Later that summer he told me that his father had died of Huntington's disease at 45 and that there was a 50% chance he had the gene. There was a test but he didn't want to know or at least he didn't have the courage to find out. I understood why he was delivering pizzas. I felt sad like I wanted to hug him. I guess I was confused because a straight guy couldn't love another guy.
I had walked a few blocks towards home with thoughts of hitchhiking bouncing around in my head. I thought Why not?, went to the side of the road and stuck out my thumb. A pair of headlights was approaching. The car slowed and I walked to the side to look inside. Shit! I thought. It was that same creepy little security guard. I fell right into a full sprint. In the opposite direction. After a quarter mile I slowed down and jogged the rest of the way home.
When I walked into the bedroom Sanya made a funny sound. What's wrong, kid? I said. Evan, my head ... I've got a splitting headache, she was almost in tears. I sat on the bed beside her, gathered back her hair, put two fingers softly on each temple and began to massage. You'll feel better soon I said.
Sunday, January 06, 2008
Kristen
One night Sanya invited Kristen and her boyfriend over. Sanya was my girlfriend at the time and we lived together off-campus in an old apartment building. Kristen lived in the dorms and was an English major. Barry was in law school.The place was mildly depressing, kind of dark. Sanya kept sitting down and standing up, looking out the window, eating chips and cashews, adjusting pillows and such.
Finally there was a knock. When they came in Kristen looked great as usual. She was taller than Barry but he was somewhat stylish also in a shiny leather jacket. The three of them sat on the couch and I sat opposite on a chair. I hadn't meant to but I was lined up perfectly with Kristen. She was wearing jeans, not the tight kind but not baggy either. Sanya poured us some wine and put on some music. We talked, had more wine. Everyone seemed to relax. Barry had put his hand on Kristen's knee, his fingers touching the inside of her thigh. I thought I must have noticed too long so I glanced all around the room and out the window. When I looked back at Kristen her expression hadn't changed. I smiled at her and said Does anyone want a beer? We're out of wine. Barry said he would like one so I went into the kitchen which was only a few steps away because the apartment was so small.
I was standing at the counter opening a couple bottles and Kristen walked in. She kept walking, right up to me, pressed her body against mine, put her lips to mine. We kissed for a second or two, very wet, very open, not a slow well-planned kiss but an urgent kiss. She glanced into my eyes just long enough to hold them then she picked up a bottle and walked out. Now I need to tell you that I have never been good at picking up messages from women. That may be a cliche but I honestly didn't know what that kiss was. Sure we were friends so maybe it was just a friendly kiss. Or was it loving kiss, a sexy kiss, a goodbye kiss, a hello kiss? A joke of some sort? Did I imagine it? I grabbed my bottle and walked back in. We chatted for another hour. I found it hard to avoid noticing that Barry's hand had moved up a few notches on Kristen's thigh. Then Barry yawned and they said they had to get going.
I saw Kristen every now and then over the next few weeks. Sometimes Sanya and Kristen and I would have coffee or lunch or go to the library. We never mentioned the kiss. But I had been thinking about it. That was like me - wait weeks or months to formulate a response. So it was already nearly the end of the semester when I woke up one morning thinking about Kristen. OK, I thought, today is the day to do something. I had never actually called her before but that day I called her and asked if she'd like to get lunch downtown at a Chinese place called Bo Long. We rarely ate that far from campus. She sounded happy and said OK.
We took the train a few stops and then walked a few blocks to the restaurant. I can't recall what we ate or much of the conversation just that the kiss was never mentioned. We watched each other as if waiting for it to come up but it didn't. Lunch was pleasant enough, back on the train and to campus. We were walking up Murray Hill, it was late fall, damp, cloudy, good time for a nap or a jog, I thought. I was about to turn towards my place but she was talking about something. We slowed down and then stood on the sidewalk facing each other. Do you want me to walk you home? I said. No I have a class in an hour so I'll stay around till then. she said. But she didn't turn, she didn't even look in the direction of campus. A few moments passed and I said OK, well thanks it was fun. I guess I will see you ... and I touched her coat sleeve. She smiled and turned towards campus. I walked home, got under the blankets with a book and fell asleep on the second page.
We had exams a few weeks later then break. The next time I saw her was late January at the old Freeburger library. She was checking out a book. We chatted for a minute, How was your break? ... Good ... Yours? ... Same. Then she said I'll talk to you soon ... and pranced off. Freeburger was more a large overcrowded bookstore than a library. Like a warren of tunnels lined by books, just a few tables and desks at the periphery, very cozy and nothing like the new library building with its soaring interior that felt like an airport terminal. I almost randomly picked a few books, an English author on sociology, a French author on art, the Congressional Record from some day in 1965. Usually I could spend a blissful afternoon there, reading by a window for hours, seeing maybe one other person in that whole time because few came to this library anymore. But I felt strange that day, lonelier than usual.
She called me the next day. For the first time. Would you like to go back downtown to Bo Long for lunch? she asked. Sure I said. We sat in a half dark part of the restaurant at a table with a candle in the middle. We drank hot tea that felt warm and talked about school. Sometimes we just gazed at each other. Coming back to campus the same thing happened - we didn't want to separate. We got to about the same place as before but this time it was really cold, too cold to mill around in the Ohio winter. I wanted to walk one way or the other. So, how's Barry these days? I said. He's OK, how about Sanya? We hadn't mentioned Barry or Sanya up till then. Sanya is doing well as always I said. OK then Evan dear I will see you later. You look cold. That was the first time she had ever called me dear.
It was about a week after that. Sanya had just come back from class, she walked into the kitchen where I was looking for something to make for supper. Hey guess what! Kristen and Barry are getting married! she said. Wow really? Thats' great ... I said then How long have they been together? It hasn't been that long, has it? but I didn't really listen to the answer. While we were eating supper Kristen called and Sanya chatted with her for a few minutes. When she came back she said They're having a party to celebrate. This Friday, downtown at a place called Bo Long.
When we got to Bo Long that Friday I went straight to the bar and ordered a Scotch. What kind? said the bartender. Any kind I said. When I saw Kristen she was smiling and laughing with a group of friends. An hour into the party we were standing near each other and I turned towards her. She smiled but it wasn't her real smile I could tell. We found a few trivial things to say but we were mainly just watching each other fluster. There was a lot of noise, I couldn't hear what she was saying and I was starting to feel light-headed. Presently a friend came up to Kristen's ear and she began to turn away haltingly. I mumbled Good Luck or Congratulations and turned aside to look for Sanya.
Half an hour later we walked out into a beautiful clear night. The cold air felt like a caress. Sanya and I looked up into the sky. I think Kristen has gained some weight. What do you think? she said. You're right, definitely I said as we walked towards our car.
Finally there was a knock. When they came in Kristen looked great as usual. She was taller than Barry but he was somewhat stylish also in a shiny leather jacket. The three of them sat on the couch and I sat opposite on a chair. I hadn't meant to but I was lined up perfectly with Kristen. She was wearing jeans, not the tight kind but not baggy either. Sanya poured us some wine and put on some music. We talked, had more wine. Everyone seemed to relax. Barry had put his hand on Kristen's knee, his fingers touching the inside of her thigh. I thought I must have noticed too long so I glanced all around the room and out the window. When I looked back at Kristen her expression hadn't changed. I smiled at her and said Does anyone want a beer? We're out of wine. Barry said he would like one so I went into the kitchen which was only a few steps away because the apartment was so small.
I was standing at the counter opening a couple bottles and Kristen walked in. She kept walking, right up to me, pressed her body against mine, put her lips to mine. We kissed for a second or two, very wet, very open, not a slow well-planned kiss but an urgent kiss. She glanced into my eyes just long enough to hold them then she picked up a bottle and walked out. Now I need to tell you that I have never been good at picking up messages from women. That may be a cliche but I honestly didn't know what that kiss was. Sure we were friends so maybe it was just a friendly kiss. Or was it loving kiss, a sexy kiss, a goodbye kiss, a hello kiss? A joke of some sort? Did I imagine it? I grabbed my bottle and walked back in. We chatted for another hour. I found it hard to avoid noticing that Barry's hand had moved up a few notches on Kristen's thigh. Then Barry yawned and they said they had to get going.
I saw Kristen every now and then over the next few weeks. Sometimes Sanya and Kristen and I would have coffee or lunch or go to the library. We never mentioned the kiss. But I had been thinking about it. That was like me - wait weeks or months to formulate a response. So it was already nearly the end of the semester when I woke up one morning thinking about Kristen. OK, I thought, today is the day to do something. I had never actually called her before but that day I called her and asked if she'd like to get lunch downtown at a Chinese place called Bo Long. We rarely ate that far from campus. She sounded happy and said OK.
We took the train a few stops and then walked a few blocks to the restaurant. I can't recall what we ate or much of the conversation just that the kiss was never mentioned. We watched each other as if waiting for it to come up but it didn't. Lunch was pleasant enough, back on the train and to campus. We were walking up Murray Hill, it was late fall, damp, cloudy, good time for a nap or a jog, I thought. I was about to turn towards my place but she was talking about something. We slowed down and then stood on the sidewalk facing each other. Do you want me to walk you home? I said. No I have a class in an hour so I'll stay around till then. she said. But she didn't turn, she didn't even look in the direction of campus. A few moments passed and I said OK, well thanks it was fun. I guess I will see you ... and I touched her coat sleeve. She smiled and turned towards campus. I walked home, got under the blankets with a book and fell asleep on the second page.
We had exams a few weeks later then break. The next time I saw her was late January at the old Freeburger library. She was checking out a book. We chatted for a minute, How was your break? ... Good ... Yours? ... Same. Then she said I'll talk to you soon ... and pranced off. Freeburger was more a large overcrowded bookstore than a library. Like a warren of tunnels lined by books, just a few tables and desks at the periphery, very cozy and nothing like the new library building with its soaring interior that felt like an airport terminal. I almost randomly picked a few books, an English author on sociology, a French author on art, the Congressional Record from some day in 1965. Usually I could spend a blissful afternoon there, reading by a window for hours, seeing maybe one other person in that whole time because few came to this library anymore. But I felt strange that day, lonelier than usual.
She called me the next day. For the first time. Would you like to go back downtown to Bo Long for lunch? she asked. Sure I said. We sat in a half dark part of the restaurant at a table with a candle in the middle. We drank hot tea that felt warm and talked about school. Sometimes we just gazed at each other. Coming back to campus the same thing happened - we didn't want to separate. We got to about the same place as before but this time it was really cold, too cold to mill around in the Ohio winter. I wanted to walk one way or the other. So, how's Barry these days? I said. He's OK, how about Sanya? We hadn't mentioned Barry or Sanya up till then. Sanya is doing well as always I said. OK then Evan dear I will see you later. You look cold. That was the first time she had ever called me dear.
It was about a week after that. Sanya had just come back from class, she walked into the kitchen where I was looking for something to make for supper. Hey guess what! Kristen and Barry are getting married! she said. Wow really? Thats' great ... I said then How long have they been together? It hasn't been that long, has it? but I didn't really listen to the answer. While we were eating supper Kristen called and Sanya chatted with her for a few minutes. When she came back she said They're having a party to celebrate. This Friday, downtown at a place called Bo Long.
When we got to Bo Long that Friday I went straight to the bar and ordered a Scotch. What kind? said the bartender. Any kind I said. When I saw Kristen she was smiling and laughing with a group of friends. An hour into the party we were standing near each other and I turned towards her. She smiled but it wasn't her real smile I could tell. We found a few trivial things to say but we were mainly just watching each other fluster. There was a lot of noise, I couldn't hear what she was saying and I was starting to feel light-headed. Presently a friend came up to Kristen's ear and she began to turn away haltingly. I mumbled Good Luck or Congratulations and turned aside to look for Sanya.
Half an hour later we walked out into a beautiful clear night. The cold air felt like a caress. Sanya and I looked up into the sky. I think Kristen has gained some weight. What do you think? she said. You're right, definitely I said as we walked towards our car.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
